Today I’m going to CloudCamp and it’s nerve wracking. Why? Well I’m a female and if you look at the list of attendees…there aren’t too many of us.
I’ve been to conferences before. At ALA though there are TONS of women. At Code4Lib I had friends there (both male and female), so that eased the lack of females (but only slightly…I still had the nerves). But at CloudCamp Boston, I’ll know no one and I’m not going to lie, I thought about not going. In fact this idea isn’t something new to me. Being a female in technology has stopped me from going to other things too. That’s right, I’ve chickened out and not gone to things I really wanted to attend because I’m too nervous.
Seems strange right? But it makes sense when you think about it, I mean how comfortable would you be at a bridal shower, or a baby shower, or in the lingerie department if you were a male. Not so comfortable. Well that’s what its like for me going to a technology conference. And I could throw numbers at you on the lack of women in technology, but most likely you’ll think about it for two seconds and know that its the truth.
So what are my issues about going to these conference? Well I’m sure some are the same that men have. Do I know enough to hold my own at this thing? Who am I going to sit with? Blah blah blah. But here is the difference; in the back of my head I always hear one of my old coworkers who tried to explain to me why a guy in an IT department was so rude to me:
None of us were particularly popular. And I’m sure when he looks at you he sees that girl that rejected him in high school
I know he was trying to tell me to brush him off…afterall, the guy he spoke of was a jerk that ended up in a server farm in order to stop his interactions with the public. But that comment has resonated with me throughout most of my jobs. It has made me feel like I HAVE to know enough to hold my own because if I don’t, they will just dismiss me as nothing but a girl.
So there it is, my fear laid bare for all of you to read. But now that I’ve written it I feel a bit better about going tonight. I’m sure I’ll know just as much as everyone else there. And I’m sure I’ll find some really nice people to sit with. And I’m sure no one will be mean to me (assuming the jerk from the server farm isn’t there….).
Thank you for saying this. I have had the same feeling… in fact, I’m very nervous about a conference I’m going to in a couple of months.
Thanks Dorothea! It helps that you commented because I thought people might think I was crazy for saying it.
That’s part of the reason I make a point of commenting on posts like this. :)
I’ve been doing this for about 30 years and I still go through some of the same stuff. (http://www.kcoyle.net/howhard.html) The first time I went to a major computer conference (MacWorld) they had porn booths in the exhibit hall! with the actresses signing CDs of their work. It was not a comfortable moment. I attended DefCon II with a group of women who went to “crash” the conference, and we were the only non-girlfriends there. It’s especially hard because in many cases women do NOT approach tech in the same way as men. One of my favorite quotes is from Ellen Spertus, Prof. at Mills College, who has said: “I want to prove that you can be rigorous AND nurturing.” I think that’s a great goal.
I think a lot of us have the same feeling. I sometimes feel that way just going to work (I work in the tech industry). I went from being in a (somewhat unusual) group of 7 with 3 women last year, to now being in a group of 12 where I’m the only woman, so all the insecurities about being good enough in tech are rearing their heads again.
I was relieved that I knew a few people the first time I went to Code4Lib, although it turns out to be a very friendly crowd, so my nervousness was unwarranted. There’s a local tech event that I won’t name that I’ve sworn I won’t attend again without dragging a colleague, after spending one lunch break standing awkwardly eating pizza alone, possibly the only woman in the room. I’m currently taking CS classes and am thinking about attending the Grace Hopper conference as a way to get my feet wet in nonlibrary tech events. Having started my program as a slightly older student I’ve already got a case of imposter syndrome and a mostly female event seems like a more comfortable way to start. So I definitely don’t think you’re crazy at all.
Being a tech analyst in this industry, I face this everyday…being taken seriously is no small feat. You do have to prove yourself more than the guy next to you, otherwise you “don’t know what you’re talking about”. Unfortunately, in order to gain a reputation you have to take definitive stands in anything you think or say, no matter what.
It was great meeting you last night, let’s keep in touch.
Rosalyn – I think you inspired the new social signal cartoon: http://www.socialsignal.com/cartoon/cherchez-la-femme